Hawaii 2016 - Ben's Reflections

I love Hawaii.  I love the natural beauty, from the jagged mountains to the scenic beaches and lush greenery, but I also love the vibrant culture that makes it feel distinctly different from any other state in the U.S.  I’ve been fortunate enough to visit twice before, to the islands of Maui and Kauai, but this was my first trip to the popular tourist destination of Waikiki on Oahu.  It was also the first time Arden would get to meet Candice’s dad and her brother Gabe, which made our holiday even more special.

The first day we arrived in Hawaii felt like the longest day of my life, and made for a rough start to our vacation.  After a red-eye flight from Melbourne to Honolulu, where I didn’t sleep at all, we had almost an entire day to wander around Waikiki before the hotel could free up the room for us to check in.  So there we were, the first day of our long awaited vacation, with the beach a short walk away and the sun shining, and all we wanted to do was collapse in bed and sleep.  We had a very grumpy Arden, we felt disgusting from a day spent travelling, we couldn’t unpack or settle in, and yet we were in paradise.  We made the most of our time despite being exhausted, and it ended up being a great day, especially when Candice’s family arrived that evening, but the worst was yet to come.

post red-eye flight, pre bedtime-meltdown.

That night we attempted to put Arden down to sleep according to her routine at home.  It was a disaster.  She was screaming and inconsolable in a way we had never experienced before, and even once we finally managed to calm her down it wasn’t until late in the night when she finally fell asleep (in bed with Candice, while I slept in the other room).  Would we ever get to experience a normal night of sleep on our vacation?  The answer ended up being no, but we survived.

Thankfully the second day brought much improved spirits for all of us, thanks to a bit of sleep and finally being able to appreciate our surroundings.  The condo we stayed in had an incredible view looking directly at Diamond Head, while we also had a stunning view of the Ko’olau Range from our bedroom.  We were 2 streets away from Waikiki Beach, a 5 minute walk from the Honolulu Zoo, and were surrounded by tons of great restaurants and shops along Kalakaua Avenue.

the view from our balcony...

...and the view from our bedrooms.

The first few days of our visit were all about giving Arden time to reconnect with her Amah, and introducing Arden to her Angkong (Chinese word for grandfather) and Uncle Gabe.  She was quite sensitive and shy around the family at first, but thankfully we had plenty of time together for her to get over her shyness and allow everyone to hold her.  We also took lots of strolls along the beach and boulevard, went out for delicious meals, visited the Honolulu Zoo, and took Arden for her first dip in the pool.

watching the sunset on Waikiki beach

After a few days relaxing and exploring around Waikiki on foot, we rented a van and travelled around the island.  We made a trek to visit the Disney Aulani resort for an incredible brunch, went to an excellent Luau for my birthday, and visited the massive Ala Moana mall.

meeting Mickey at the Disney Aulani resort

all dressed up for my birthday Luau!

The biggest highlight of the trip though was Arden’s dedication, which we had at First Presbyterian Church, nestled at the foot of the Ko’olau Range.  It was breathtaking, and such a beautiful, intimate ceremony.  Candice also had the great idea of hiring a professional photographer to capture the moment, and to take some shots of Arden with the family.  The pictures turned out excellent, and we are so grateful to have them to remember that special day.

 

Over the last few days of the trip, with Arden finally fully settled in to her new surroundings, Candice and I were able to go off on our own for some hiking adventures.  Our first hike was by far the more difficult of the two, a hike straight up the side of Koko Crater along an old railroad line (1,048 "steps").  It was steep, slippery, and narrow, and we had to stop constantly along the way to catch our breath.  The view from the top was excellent though, looking over Koko Head, Makapu’U Point, and back towards Diamond Head and Honolulu. It was also wonderful to get out and experience a bit of time in nature.

Koko Head Crater

the "shaka" - when in Hawaii..!

The next day we walked up Diamond Head, which was a much more popular and much more relaxed hike.  While I preferred the quiet beauty of Koko Crater, Diamond Head was a more interesting hike, especially the section where we were walking through a tunnel in the mountain as we reached the summit, and the views of Honolulu were excellent.  The summit also had the remains of an old military lookout, which we were able to wander inside.

Diamond Head

Our last day in Hawaii we went to Angkong’s cousin’s house for dinner before our red-eye flight to Seattle.  It was actually quite close to the church where we had Arden’s dedication, and featured excellent views of the mountains.  They also had a garden filled with bananas, papaya, avocado, pomegranate, tiny adorable pineapples and many other fruits.  It was so kind of them to open their home to us, and was a wonderful way to wrap up our excellent trip.

visiting Candice's dad's cousins

beautiful views, and fruits grown directly from their back yard!

We are so thankful for all the time we had in Hawaii.  It was full of laughter, great food, beautiful scenery, perfect weather, and of course lots of time for the family to snuggle with and get to know Arden.  Thanks to Amah, Angkong and Uncle Gabe for making the trek out to Hawaii, for making all the arrangements for our visit, and for all the great memories!

-BK

Hawaii - July 2016 from Candice Kortlever on Vimeo.

why I dress Arden in pink. and blue. (and other colours too.)

Sometimes people are surprised that Arden is a girl, especially when I don't dress her head-to-toe in pink outfits. Just the other day at library sing-along time, a few mothers asked me how old my "son" was - because she was dressed in a grey bodysuit with a white jacket. "It's a boy, right?" Well, not necessarily...

When I was pregnant last year, Ben and I decided to keep the baby's sex a secret for a long time. Why? Because 1) keeping secrets is so much fun in an oversharing society, and 2) I did not want my newborn child to be born into an exclusively pink and ruffly wardrobe, on the off chance we might have a girl (as we did). I wanted to dress my baby in a wide variety of colours (or, a so-called "gender-neutral" wardrobe), and I knew it would be a lot more achievable if we didn't tell anyone what the baby's sex was.

Take modern traditions such as engagement rings and bridal parties, for example. They were born out of random things like advertisement campaigns and attempts to confuse the evil spirits, but now they've become what we're used to without question. And so it is with the notion of pink-for-girls and blue-for-boys. There's no biological reason for girls to wear pink and boys to wear blue. It's just one of those random societal norms, an assumption, another way to easily categorise humans from the moment they're born.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally against dressing girl babies in pink, or boy babies in blue. I happily and graciously dress Arden in the pink outfits from our families and friends. But I think it's just kind of weird how society pushes these labels on people, so early on in their little lives.

When I was a child, I was always drawn to what society called "boy stuff". I wanted the "boy" toys in my McDonald's Happy Meals. I wanted to wear primary and dark colours, not pastels with ruffles at the collar. I did not want to wear dresses or heels. I sometimes played with dolls and wore pink hand-me-downs that were comfortable, but I was always more drawn to superhero and sporty stuff. Even now I occasionally buy clothes from the men's section because I prefer their styles. I'll wear bright colours and dresses when I feel like it, but I don't want my outfits to be limited by my gender.

So, I try to dress Arden in "neutral" colours - or just stuff that I like - because I'm her mother and I spend the most time looking at her throughout the day. I also like to dress her in outfits that are functional and comfortable from what I can tell. In my experience, lacy ruffles around the neck and flowery headbands are not comfortable. We dress her in those things every now and then (usually for her ten-minute monthly photoshoots), but definitely not for everyday wear.

Also. I don't think it's fair that girl-babies are socially linked to pink and sometimes purple, while boy-babies get all the other colours of the rainbow. And colours aside, I find it ludicrous that boys are associated with trucks and dinosaurs, while girls get Frozen and ballet. Girls love trucks and dinosaurs. And it goes both ways. The last time I checked, there are great male characters in Frozen; also, boys and grown men alike can be ballet dancers, and they're pretty freakin' good at it too.

If we decide to have another baby and it happens to be a boy, I will probably dress him in Arden's hand-me-downs, "girly" or not. Whether they be pink or purple or blue or grey, they are baby clothes and they look adorable on babies. Arden has a pair of pants with ballet slipper socks attached to them, and I will dress all my children in them, because leggings with socks attached to them are a no-brainer (fact: babies love kicking off their socks).

loooove these ballet-slipper pants.

I have no idea what Arden will want to wear when she gets older, but I want to encourage her to dress however she wants (as long as it's weather/event appropriate etc), and not just because it comes from the "girl" section at the store. If she wants to wear superhero hoodies, that's fine. If she wants to wear princess pajamas, that's fine too.

There is plenty of time for society to put labels on Arden. We'll get to those moments when we get to them. But for now, while she's young and untouched from all the micro-aggressions and tainted language and political/religious agendas and gendered stereotypes...

I just want to dress my little girl in a Batman shirt and take a billion pictures of her because she looks so darn cute in it.

And. What child doesn't love Batman? I sure did.

CK

7.5 months and wintertime.

Arden is now 7.5 months old, and - dare I say it? - things have been feeling much more manageable these days.

Sleep training was really the game-changer for us. For the first five months, she either needed to feed to sleep (and keep feeding...), or be carried and bounced around the house for her naps. She wasn't sleeping well, I wasn't sleeping well, and Ben had moved into the guest room (and was also "not sleeping well," he would complain to me! ha!). A few weeks before Saralyn and Amare's visit, we decided that enough was enough and began sleep training her at 5.5 months. The transition wasn't painless, but definitely worth it in the long run. We can now put her in the crib awake, she eventually falls asleep for reasonable stretches of time, and she wakes up happy. Also because we get a break, we're now able to give her more attention during her awake-time. Everyone wins! She still wakes up to feed three times a night, but it's still such an improvement from how things used to be.

solids: the next challenge.

I found this to be really fascinating though: our friends and family in the USA thought we began sleep training way too late... while Ben's Australian coworkers thought five months was way too early to start. I'm guessing this is partly due to the differences in maternity leave and social attitudes towards birth. It's common for Australian mothers to take up to a year of leave, while in the States, mothers usually go back to work only a few weeks/months after giving birth. Because of this, many American babies are kind of forced into a routine much earlier. And come to think of it, we might never have started sleep training her if it wasn't for my intensive class...

Also - winter is now upon us! Brrrr. As I've mentioned before, Melbourne winter isn't as dreary as Washington, or as eternally cold as Michigan. But we've acclimated to Victorian winters, and they feel cold to us. At least we finally get to dress Arden in some adorable colder-weather gear though! You can't get much cuter than a baby in an animal ear hoodie.

We finally caved and bought an oil heater for our bedroom (Ben and I had gotten by without one for the past two winters by huddling under the covers, but we can't really do that with Arden). And then we had to buy a humidifier, because heaters make the air really dry. Combined with the other contraptions we've recently bought (a white noise machine, baby monitor, etc...) we now have what seems like the entire inventory of a Brookstone store in our bedroom.

It's also really nice to know that Arden is capable of taking a bottle (even though she'll usually just wait for me to get home, as we learned during my intensive class). We finally felt comfortable enough to leave Arden with some friends while we went to see X-Men: Apocalypse! (Side note: I felt a little self-conscious about dressing up/cosplaying as mutant Jubilee for a movie that's already been out for a month. But on the walk to the cinema, we started spotting some familiar characters. Marvin the Martian, Waldo, Pikachu... and then we realised that it was OzCon weekend at the Melbourne Convention & Exhibition Centre! I blended right in.)

30 going on 13.

Even though a part of me misses newborn-baby Arden, 7-month old Arden is a lot of fun to be around. She smiles often at both of us (still loves to stare our friends down, though), can relax a lot longer in her stroller before having a meltdown, and loves to play stereotypical baby "games" like peekaboo and airplane. She even recently lasted for three hours (three! hours!) while I met a friend at a coffeehouse, sitting quietly in my lap, taking in the conversation.

baby's first high tea and Queen's Birthday holiday. aren't we the best parents? and yes, I MADE THOSE COOKIES!

We're now gearing up for a visit to the States next month! We'll first be meeting up with my family in Hawaii, a destination we picked due to its close(r) location to us (sorry Michiganders! Grand Rapids is four flights away from Melbourne - not ideal for babies...) and because it's, well, Hawaii. We'll then spend time in Washington with Ben's family, also hoping to see some friends and beloved places we've missed. It'll be a busy trip, but definitely worthwhile! We're excited, a little nervous (flying and traveling with children is just one of those things), but mostly we can't wait for the rest of our families to meet our little girl.

And to experience some warmer weather. We're looking forward to that, too.

CK

winter wonderland.

an intense intensive, and the final stretch.

“I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world.” - Mary Anne Radmacher

It's been an intense month.

I mentioned before that I was considering taking a week-long intensive class, but wasn't sure how Arden would do without me. Spoiler alert: I took it, and she did just fine! Eventually. It took a lot of effort to be able to attend the class (months of pumping, bottle feeding practice, sleep training, even flying some family in to take care of the baby!) but it was totally worth it. I had heard amazing reviews of the course from classmates who have already taken it, and even though the class content wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, they were right - and it was probably the most generally applicable class I've taken in my life.

I do have to say, the only reason I was able to attend this class without totally being a basket case, was because I knew Arden was in good hands with my sister-in-law Saralyn and nephew Amare (and of course, Ben). I'm so glad they were able to make the trip. It meant a lot to Ben for his family to visit us, and I loved seeing Arden interact with more of her relatives, especially her cousin - whom I remember as a baby himself...!

It was also nice to spend good quality time with just Saralyn and Amare. Usually when we see each other, it's during a big family get-together where it's hard to have more than surface conversations with people. Don't get me wrong, I love big family events and sometimes they're the only opportunities to see relatives. But sometimes it's a more meaningful occasion to have a lot of time with fewer people. Conversations go deeper, relationships grow stronger. During their final night in Melbourne, Saralyn and I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning just sitting and having a heart-to-heart chat, something I don't think I've ever had the opportunity to do with her in person. And that was really, really special.

Anyway. I should probably mention what the class was about: how to be an efficient and safe researcher/humanitarian/journalist/person while visiting complicated or less-stable parts of the world. It was eight days long: three days of a normal 9-5 session at the university, four days of intense practical training out in the country (about a 2.5 hour train ride away from Melbourne) and one day back in the university classroom to debrief. A lot of information was covered during the classes - the basics of negotiation, evacuation, how to take cover under fire, how to survive a hostage situation... basically Preventing and/or Dealing With Really Terrible Things 101.

Because of the sensitive nature of the class, I can't write too much about what we actually did during the practical training weekend. But here are some published articles that explain a bit more about the course content: this blog by my professor about the purpose of the class, and this recent article about a similar program.

To me, the intense training weekend felt like a mixture of summer camp and a Joss Whedon television show (crazy situations and lots of teamwork with colourful characters), with a dash of the Hunger Games thrown in there (running around in the woods - or the "bush" as Australians call it). I loved parts of it, struggled with parts of it, and was emotionally affected by all of it. So much that I wrote this song about it.

it's been a while since I've been away from the city!

As you can imagine, being a new mom while taking this class was pretty challenging. Not just because I missed Arden (I knew she was in good hands... and she actually seemed to be doing better without me) but because of the breast pumping. Breastfeeding is really important to me, and I wanted to make sure I didn't accidentally wean her during the weekend away - or get mastitis. I rented a hospital-grade pump just for the week (and brought my handheld pump just in case) and the experience was... well, I wouldn't recommend it. The class schedule wasn't predictable enough for regular breaks (although I knew this from the start and was willing to take the risk), I had some medical issues, and I missed out a little on getting to know my supercool classmates during meal breaks. But. I made it through, and the most important thing is that Arden can still breastfeed!

my sweet lunch break setup during the on-campus classes. don't ask about the off-campus setup though...

During the rough moments, a small part of me totally regretted taking this class when I did. It was a lot of work (and still is), I wasn't able to fully immerse myself in the experience, and I didn't need any more sleep deprivation on top of my already exhausted state.

But on the other hand, I desperately needed this kind of a "break". The experience helped me remember my life prior to motherhood, and for three days I got to live in a unique and thrilling environment, feeling like an individual again. Maybe not as cool or funny or fun-loving as I used to be, but I got to just be me. Despite always having to be on my guard, it was a huge relief to only have to look out for myself. I didn't have to constantly bounce around the house and sing nursery rhymes and make silly faces (on purpose). I was able to have conversations with people about really interesting things - traveling and research and security protocol and humanitarian work. And I was even able to take two showers in three days - what a luxury!

During an intense simulation in the middle of the woods one night, I looked up at the sky and saw a gorgeous blanket of stars, the most I've seen in my life. There was Mars, glowing and red among the sea of brightness and galaxy dust. A few hours later as we trekked through the Australian bush, kangaroos bounced off in the distance during a (mostly) peaceful sunrise. For the past six months, I've found myself in awe of the beauty found in the tiniest things - small hands, little giggles, the gradual milestones of an infant. So it was a nice contrast to sit in awe of beauty on a large scale again.

watching the sunrise.

I had very mixed emotions for a week after the class, especially on the day we came home (on Mother's Day no less!). I really missed the experience of being an individual, of taking some time away from my life as a mother and wife, of doing something unexpected and adventurous. It was hard to come home, and I felt kind of guilty about it. But I was given lots of time for therapeutic things in the weeks following - writing, journaling, songwriting and having long debriefing coffee-dates with classmates. And I feel much better now.

So here I am, in the final stretch of grad school. All that's standing between me and graduation is... a 7,000 word research paper, two journalism articles, a reflective essay... and six more months. My efforts to graduate this semester were squashed when I realised that this intensive class doesn't technically count for a mid-year graduation. But fortunately it doesn't really matter in my situation. It actually works in my favour now, because a December graduation means that my mom can attend the ceremony! She was planning on visiting at the end of the year anyway, and when I asked her if the dates worked, she went right ahead and bought her ticket. :)

A huge thank-you to Saralyn and Amare for making the trip and caring for Arden while I was away; to my classmates, teachers and mentors for being awesome and fun (and supportive of my unique health requirements); and of course, thanks to Ben for supporting my decision to take the class, and for giving me my much-needed time to recover afterwards.

CK

Saralyn and Amare's visit.

Ever since we moved to Australia, or really since we decided to move and started telling people about it, friends and family have expressed their desire to come visit.  We’ve been fortunate in having a few friends and Candice’s Mom come visit, and every time we have visitors we get to show them around this awesome city.  So you can imagine my excitement when my sister and nephew agreed to come out to help us with Arden. 

Despite a 15 hour flight with little sleep, they were up for a lot of exploration over the first weekend, so we took them to the main sites around the CBD: Fed Square, Southbank, the Shrine of Remembrance and Queen Victoria Market.  We had typical Melbourne weather too – beautiful and sunny one day, then rainy, windy and sunny the next. 

But wait Ben, what was it like seeing them meet Arden for the first time?!  Well as I was waiting for them at the airport, I got a little emotional thinking about seeing them and wondering how they would react to meeting Arden.  Would they cry?  Laugh?  Would they feel connected to her and try to sneak her home in their luggage?  And how would I feel, seeing someone from my family meet Arden?

Saralyn reacted by hugging her, bouncing her and kissing her cheeks (which we can all agree just beg to be kissed), while Amare played shy and took a bit to warm to his newest cousin.  But as soon as he learned that Arden loved singing, especially when she was upset, he would run over to her anytime she started to fuss and sing songs to her and play peek-a-boo to cheer her up.  In other words, he was the sweetest big cousin Arden could have hoped for.

As for me, I felt a whole mixture of emotions.  But mostly I felt joy to have my sister and nephew around and to see them interacting with Arden.  It was so nice coming home from work to spend time with them and to play catch and videogames with Amare.

While Candice was away for the weekend we spent the day at the zoo, which was a blast.  It was so funny being there with an easily distracted 6-year old.  He would get so excited to see a particular animal but as soon as we saw it, he was ready to move on to the next one.  It gave me a fun glimpse of what Arden might be like in a few years…

We had such a great visit with Saralyn and Amare.  I realised after they left how much I’ve been missing them, and how much it’s been weighing on me that I really want my family to see and experience our life in Melbourne, especially now with Arden.  I am so thankful that they took the time to come here, and seeing how they fell in love with Arden makes me even more excited for our upcoming trip to the states.  Arden will finally get to meet more of her family, and I can’t wait to see their reactions to holding her for the first time. 

BK