an intense intensive, and the final stretch.

“I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world.” - Mary Anne Radmacher

It's been an intense month.

I mentioned before that I was considering taking a week-long intensive class, but wasn't sure how Arden would do without me. Spoiler alert: I took it, and she did just fine! Eventually. It took a lot of effort to be able to attend the class (months of pumping, bottle feeding practice, sleep training, even flying some family in to take care of the baby!) but it was totally worth it. I had heard amazing reviews of the course from classmates who have already taken it, and even though the class content wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, they were right - and it was probably the most generally applicable class I've taken in my life.

I do have to say, the only reason I was able to attend this class without totally being a basket case, was because I knew Arden was in good hands with my sister-in-law Saralyn and nephew Amare (and of course, Ben). I'm so glad they were able to make the trip. It meant a lot to Ben for his family to visit us, and I loved seeing Arden interact with more of her relatives, especially her cousin - whom I remember as a baby himself...!

It was also nice to spend good quality time with just Saralyn and Amare. Usually when we see each other, it's during a big family get-together where it's hard to have more than surface conversations with people. Don't get me wrong, I love big family events and sometimes they're the only opportunities to see relatives. But sometimes it's a more meaningful occasion to have a lot of time with fewer people. Conversations go deeper, relationships grow stronger. During their final night in Melbourne, Saralyn and I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning just sitting and having a heart-to-heart chat, something I don't think I've ever had the opportunity to do with her in person. And that was really, really special.

Anyway. I should probably mention what the class was about: how to be an efficient and safe researcher/humanitarian/journalist/person while visiting complicated or less-stable parts of the world. It was eight days long: three days of a normal 9-5 session at the university, four days of intense practical training out in the country (about a 2.5 hour train ride away from Melbourne) and one day back in the university classroom to debrief. A lot of information was covered during the classes - the basics of negotiation, evacuation, how to take cover under fire, how to survive a hostage situation... basically Preventing and/or Dealing With Really Terrible Things 101.

Because of the sensitive nature of the class, I can't write too much about what we actually did during the practical training weekend. But here are some published articles that explain a bit more about the course content: this blog by my professor about the purpose of the class, and this recent article about a similar program.

To me, the intense training weekend felt like a mixture of summer camp and a Joss Whedon television show (crazy situations and lots of teamwork with colourful characters), with a dash of the Hunger Games thrown in there (running around in the woods - or the "bush" as Australians call it). I loved parts of it, struggled with parts of it, and was emotionally affected by all of it. So much that I wrote this song about it.

it's been a while since I've been away from the city!

As you can imagine, being a new mom while taking this class was pretty challenging. Not just because I missed Arden (I knew she was in good hands... and she actually seemed to be doing better without me) but because of the breast pumping. Breastfeeding is really important to me, and I wanted to make sure I didn't accidentally wean her during the weekend away - or get mastitis. I rented a hospital-grade pump just for the week (and brought my handheld pump just in case) and the experience was... well, I wouldn't recommend it. The class schedule wasn't predictable enough for regular breaks (although I knew this from the start and was willing to take the risk), I had some medical issues, and I missed out a little on getting to know my supercool classmates during meal breaks. But. I made it through, and the most important thing is that Arden can still breastfeed!

my sweet lunch break setup during the on-campus classes. don't ask about the off-campus setup though...

During the rough moments, a small part of me totally regretted taking this class when I did. It was a lot of work (and still is), I wasn't able to fully immerse myself in the experience, and I didn't need any more sleep deprivation on top of my already exhausted state.

But on the other hand, I desperately needed this kind of a "break". The experience helped me remember my life prior to motherhood, and for three days I got to live in a unique and thrilling environment, feeling like an individual again. Maybe not as cool or funny or fun-loving as I used to be, but I got to just be me. Despite always having to be on my guard, it was a huge relief to only have to look out for myself. I didn't have to constantly bounce around the house and sing nursery rhymes and make silly faces (on purpose). I was able to have conversations with people about really interesting things - traveling and research and security protocol and humanitarian work. And I was even able to take two showers in three days - what a luxury!

During an intense simulation in the middle of the woods one night, I looked up at the sky and saw a gorgeous blanket of stars, the most I've seen in my life. There was Mars, glowing and red among the sea of brightness and galaxy dust. A few hours later as we trekked through the Australian bush, kangaroos bounced off in the distance during a (mostly) peaceful sunrise. For the past six months, I've found myself in awe of the beauty found in the tiniest things - small hands, little giggles, the gradual milestones of an infant. So it was a nice contrast to sit in awe of beauty on a large scale again.

watching the sunrise.

I had very mixed emotions for a week after the class, especially on the day we came home (on Mother's Day no less!). I really missed the experience of being an individual, of taking some time away from my life as a mother and wife, of doing something unexpected and adventurous. It was hard to come home, and I felt kind of guilty about it. But I was given lots of time for therapeutic things in the weeks following - writing, journaling, songwriting and having long debriefing coffee-dates with classmates. And I feel much better now.

So here I am, in the final stretch of grad school. All that's standing between me and graduation is... a 7,000 word research paper, two journalism articles, a reflective essay... and six more months. My efforts to graduate this semester were squashed when I realised that this intensive class doesn't technically count for a mid-year graduation. But fortunately it doesn't really matter in my situation. It actually works in my favour now, because a December graduation means that my mom can attend the ceremony! She was planning on visiting at the end of the year anyway, and when I asked her if the dates worked, she went right ahead and bought her ticket. :)

A huge thank-you to Saralyn and Amare for making the trip and caring for Arden while I was away; to my classmates, teachers and mentors for being awesome and fun (and supportive of my unique health requirements); and of course, thanks to Ben for supporting my decision to take the class, and for giving me my much-needed time to recover afterwards.

CK