goodbye, 2015.

2015 has been a big year for the Kortlevers! We made good progress on work/education goals, one of us turned 30, and of course - we made a person! Here are some quick reflections:

Best Memory of 2015

Ben: It's so hard to pick just one, but meeting Arden for the first time was definitely the most significant and powerful moment of the past year.  I didn't know how we'd make it, but a month later she smiled for the first time and I knew we'd be just fine.
Candice: Meeting my daughter for the first time - not only in person, but also other aspects like the first ultrasound, and the first time I felt her kicking. We've had so many incredible blessings this year.
Arden: Bouncing.  I love to bounce.

Most Challenging Moment

Ben: Seeing Candice go through all the pain and discomfort of pregnancy, labour and delivery.  Also the first time Arden cried so hard she turned purple.
Candice: Giving birth is the obvious one, but the weeks afterward were extremely challenging. Caring for a newborn is no picnic, especially on the other side of the world from our families.
Arden: Immunisations.  At just just 6 weeks old you stick me with needles?! Also, being born - that's no picnic either!

Most Excited for in the New Year

Ben: Hearing Arden's first word (which will be "dada" obviously) and introducing her to the rest of the family.
Candice: Watching Arden grow, and hopefully gaining a little more independence so I can maybe eat a meal with two hands again? I'm also looking forward to more playful interaction, especially when she gains total head control and starts to laugh.
Arden: I hear teething is fun!

Most Anticipated Movie 

Ben: Captain America - Civil War.  Independence Day Resurgence would be, but an Independence Day without Will Smith is just wrong.
Candice: Batman vs. Superman looks interesting. A funny Lex Luthor with hair - why not?
Arden: I have high hopes for the Point Break remake.

2016 Resolutions

Ben: There are so many things I want to introduce Arden to.  I want to spend time reading to her, teaching her to crawl, walk, and geologize.  As for me personally, I'd like to travel and see more of Australia.
Candice: I really hope to finish up my Master's degree by the end of the year. And maybe do some fun artsy projects with Arden. Record a song together? Design some greeting cards? I think we'll have a lot of fun together.
Arden: Head control.  I really need to get that down.

Thanks so much for keeping up with us this year! We wish you all a wonderful end of 2015/beginning of 2016.

-the Kortlever Family

merry christmas!

Wishing everyone a festive, wonderful Christmas!

love,

the Kortlevers

ben is tired.

The midwife places Arden on Candice, freshly delivered and still covered in blood and amniotic fluid, and suddenly we are parents.  I'll never forget that moment, sharing a look of shock and awe with Candice, then staring at this beautiful girl we have been creating in our minds for the past 9 months.

Flash forward 6 weeks and Arden is wearing 0-3 month clothes (I may have shed a tear when we had to box up all the newborn outfits), growing heavier and more squeezable by the day, and increasing her vocal prowess to the point where I worry about the state of our windows when she screams.

My head constantly feels a bit cloudy, on account of the lack of sleep, and probably the ever present shock that hasn't completely worn off since Arden was born.  Don't get me wrong, I love her like I've known her for years and feel very comfortable being a father, but the knowledge that she is ours and totally dependent on us is a bit overwhelming.

Bouncing has become our life.  Bouncing to comfort our cuddly little girl, who hates being put down during the day.  On hot days, we turn on the A/C and bounce in front of the fan, and while we watch The Tonight Show one of us will inevitably be bouncing around the living room to try and lull her to sleep.  I make dinner, Candice bounces.  Candice takes a shower, I bounce.  Daddy needs to check his fantasy football team, Mommy gets out the Moby wrap and bounces.  Bounce, bounce, bounce!  At least we are getting a workout.

I was fortunate to be able to take 3 weeks off work when Arden was born, and treasured those first few weeks getting to know our daughter.  Eventually we settled into a nice routine, and one of my favourite times became the early morning when I would take Arden to the living room and let Candice sleep for a couple extra hours.  Arden would still be all cozy in her swaddle, and I would sit with her on my chest and just enjoy the sound of her breathing and the feel of our hearts beating together.  I was also reminded of my Dad in those moments, who has told me many times that holding me on his chest as a baby were some of the most wonderful moments of his life.  It feels really special to know that feeling my Dad experienced with me, and to be able to share it now with my daughter.

Going back to work was really sad and difficult.  At only 3 weeks old, Arden was still so tiny and precious, and I felt so bad to leave her (and Candice).  All I wanted was to stay home with my little pod and be there to experience every new sound, facial twitch, and snuggle.  Thankfully my coworkers have been great.  They are so excited for us and love all the pictures of Arden, and I've been able to work from home one day a week too.  I still wish I could be home all the time, but I am thankful to have a job I enjoy with people I really like, and that I can provide for our growing family.

It's been a challenging few weeks raising our little girl, as we have to adjust to simple things like not eating at the same time (since someone has to bounce the baby) and her always fluctuating moods, but when she started smiling and cooing over the past week it made all the difficult moments fade away.  Yep, we've become those parents, and we love it.

BK

the Hartmans visit Melbourne!

We finally got to host our first visitors of the year - the Hartmans!

Our friends Zach and Kyara stayed with us for three nights en route to New Zealand. Even though their visit was only two weeks after Arden's birth, we were able to show them around the city just fine - although at a much slower pace than what we're used to! We even lucked out with some pretty great weather, despite a less-than-stellar forecast.

We got to show them around our neighbourhood in the sunshine, hoping to see some of the epic jellyfish that can usually be seen around the Docklands (sadly to no avail). We also took them to the Night Noodle Markets, one of our favourite events around this time of year.

Docklands selfie

Night Noodle Markets!

We spent a day touring the CBD, hitting up the touristy attractions: Melbourne Central, the Queen Victoria Market, the Eureka Skydeck, Shrine of Remembrance, Botanic Gardens and Hozier Lane.

in front of Flinders Street station

enjoying lunch from the Borek Shop at the Queen Vic Markets

at the Shrine of Remembrance

We also borrowed a car from our friends Rick and Robyn, driving along the beautiful Great Ocean Road and stopping by a little caravan park in Kennett River to show our friends some Australian wildlife (koalas and cockatoos).

Arden wasn't a huge fan of the car "capsule"

It was really great to have some old friends around, especially during a time when we've been missing our families and friends a lot. The weekend was the perfect opportunity to show them Melbourne - and also introduce Arden to her birthplace as well. 

Thanks for stopping by, Zach and Kyara! And thanks for being patient with us and the baby. :)

CK

the first month with a newborn.

Nothing prepares you for the first month with a newborn. We've read books and talked to parents of all ages and backgrounds. But there's nothing quite like actually experiencing the combination of wonder, joy, frustration, gratefulness, and nostalgia - topped with a good dose of sleep depravation, of course.

Typical morning: Arden is ready to greet the day. No one else is.

Ben was able to take three weeks off work to stay home with me and the baby (one week of paternity leave, two weeks of vacation), which was really great, especially since we don't have family around to help out. Australia has pretty good family leave policies, but unfortunately because we're not PRs/citizens, Ben wasn't able to get government-approved parental leave (Australian fathers can get up to three months of paternity leave).

"We're at a nice restaurant? Don't worry, I won't start screaming for milk until right before your food comes out!"

Parenthood is a huge lifestyle change. The lack of sleep was really hard for the first week or two, but we've kind of gotten used to the rhythm of waking every 1.5/2 hours throughout the night. Our conversations have shifted from politics, news and work/uni happenings... to the amount, colour and consistency of our daughter's poop. But aside from that, Ben and I are adjusting pretty well. Hopefully we'll be able to carve out some couple-time in the near future, but so far we haven't lost our collective sense of humour. Or sanity.

A little incidental smile!

Australia seems to have a really good baby/child healthcare system in place. A few days after we were discharged from the hospital, a midwife came to our apartment to check on us and answer any questions we had. The City of Melbourne also provides maternal and child health services, scheduling appointments for various baby milestones (one week, two weeks, four weeks, eight weeks, etc.) for weigh-ins and more question-answering. We actually live a 5-minute walk away from one of the clinics, which is super convenient! Also, having a baby in Australia has introduced us to a whole new world of Australian slang. For example, a pacifier is called a "dummy", and a baby carseat is called a "car capsule". Needless to say, putting our baby registry together was a learning experience.

the Kortlevers and Melbourne.

We miss our families dearly, but are so grateful to be able to FaceTime with them whenever we want, as well as keep in touch daily via e-mails and the text messaging app Viber. It's not the same as in-person visits and interactions, but at least with technology they can see some of Arden's cute faces (and tantrums), as well as watch her grow every week.

FaceTime with our Michigan family

Arden has had a few in-person visitors so far: mostly some of my friends from uni, as well as two of our friends from Seattle who stayed with us for a really fun weekend. Ben and I try to take Arden out during the weekends - mostly so we don't go stir-crazy, but also because Melbourne is such an amazing and family-friendly city (especially during this time of year, when Spring meets Summer) and it would be a shame not to enjoy some of the events the city has to offer. At the moment, Arden does the best in the Moby Wrap, a cloth baby carrier. Ben and I rented a stroller for a few months (since we're not sure how long we'll be living here, we decided not to buy one), which Arden only tolerates if we're constantly moving.

Being a "stay at home mom" is pretty challenging for me during these early stages, especially because Arden wants to be held all the time. I often describe my days as "doing everything and nothing at the same time" - constantly breastfeeding, rocking her to sleep (unfortunately she won't sleep anywhere but in our arms, so no naps for us yet!), and entertaining her when she's awake and aware. I know these days won't last forever, and that someday I'll yearn for the time when all Arden wanted was to be held, fed and snuggled. Lately I've been wearing the Moby Wrap around the house while she naps in it so I can partake in frivolous activities - like eating lunch or doing a load of laundry. Having her in the carrier lets me use my hand(s) freely, but of course she doesn't settle unless I constantly bounce or walk around, which keeps things interesting!

How I'll be writing blog entries from now on...

Despite the lifestyle adjustments and inevitable newborn-raising chaos, I am very grateful for the ability to be with Arden every moment and watch her grow. She's only a month old now, but she changes so much every day. Ben and I are incredibly blessed to have her, and are looking forward to seeing more of her personality (and hopefully night-time sleeping skills!) develop.

CK

happy thanksgiving!

Happy thanksgiving from down under!

the pie we got from Costco was bigger than Arden!

arden's birth story.

"It is said that women in labor leave their bodies, travel to the stars, collect the souls of their babies and return to this world together." - Anonymous

I wanted to share Arden's birth story publicly, because I think it's important to talk about these things, and it was therapeutic to write. Thankfully we had a pretty normal labor and birth - still really challenging, but worth every single moment.

________________________

It's 1:30 am on Wednesday morning, and I'm getting contraction-like cramps. It's a day past my due date, and I'm more than ready for the end of this pregnancy. I go to the bathroom and there's blood in the toilet - par for the course, but I've had problems with bleeding earlier in my pregnancy. I call a midwife at the hospital who tells me that it's most likely not a sign of imminent labor, but suggests I come in anyway just in case it's anything worse.

Ben calls a taxi and we head to the hospital. A midwife takes my vitals and tells me I am only 1 cm dilated, that I will probably have my baby in the next day or two - but not right now. Ben and I leave the hospital, and he decides to pick up his laptop at his nearby office so he can work from home. He leaves me his coat because I'm shivering, and I sit at the tram stop eating some cookies I've baked the previous day.

A drunk-looking man arrives at the tram stop and sits next to me. He asks me about the weather, and then eyes my small tupperware.
"Did you make them yourself? What kind of cookies?"
I nod. "Ginger molasses." I offer him one, which he takes cautiously, as if I'm the more suspicious star of the scene.
"You going home after a night out?" he asks, after taking a bite and nodding his approval.
"I left the hospital," I say. "I'm in early labor." Ben's coat completely covers any hint of my nine-month baby bump.
"Damn," he says, raising his eyebrows. "So, you could, like... have a baby right here? And I'd have to deliver it?"
"You wouldn't have to. We're right by the hospital."
He asks me what I do, and I tell him I'm studying journalism at Uni.
"Which uni?"
"Melbourne."
"Hey, I used to go there. I studied piano performance."
My eyes automatically drift towards his hands and I try to imagine them gracing the keys of a Steinway instead of holding a cigarette and half a homemade cookie. I mention nothing of my own classical piano background, and wonder if he can somehow tell that I, too, used to play.
He closes his eyes. "What if I told you about a man who became a concert pianist, and toured the world... and ended up right back here, doing nothing?"
I stare blankly ahead, wondering about the significance of such a conversation with a stranger, on the cusp of my firstborn's birthday, in a city so far away from any of the previous lives I've lived, including the piano performance one.
The man holds up the last bite of the cookie. "I just can't finish this," he says. "It was great. But, heartburn. I will now sacrifice it... to the gods." He throws the morsel onto the tram tracks. A minute later, the tram arrives and we board through different doors. I never see him again.

Back at the apartment, I crawl into bed and turn on the contraction monitoring app I downloaded the night before. The waves increase in pain, but they're not long or intense enough. I quickly learn that lying down feels more painful than moving around, so I get out of bed and loiter in the living room. Ben arrives with his laptop and gets started on working from home.

I spend the rest of the day trying to take my mind off the pain. I make myself some soup, I journal, I even try doodling in one of those adult colouring books that are all the rage these days, a gift from my cousin. With each contraction I close my eyes and hold on to the nearest piece of furniture. They are getting longer and more intense now. At 9pm Ben suggests we head back to the hospital, so he calls another taxi.

The midwife on duty takes my vitals again, and is surprised that I am already 4 cm dilated. She calls me a "quiet achiever," as my heavy breathing throughout the contractions seems calmer than what she'd expect. However, she is afraid that I won't progress quickly enough in the next few hours and I might need to be induced. She consults with some doctors and returns with some advice: to either go home for a bit or walk around the hospital for an hour or two, to let labor progress naturally.

Ben and I decide to walk around the hospital, which is hard for me to do as I am in a lot of pain. We take a seat in the deserted hospital lobby until I begin to make loud groaning noises. I am a little embarrassed, especially when we return to the emergency centre and there is another pregnant couple waiting in the lobby, no doubt horrified at my performance (right in front of the television, of course! - Ben and I giggle hysterically about it later). But at least I am now 5 cm dilated and finally ready for admission. Ben and the midwife help me walk to the birthing suite, stopping at every corner so I can catch my breath and wait out each contraction.

The midwife assigned to my birthing suite is kind and informative. I vomit soon after we get settled, and she tells me that it's a good sign, that my body is working very hard. She dims the lights and turns on some "zen" music - the kind of soundtrack you'd hear at a faux Chinese restaurant - and gives me the lowdown on pain relief options: nitrous oxide (gas); a shot of morphine; and of course, the epidural, which she stresses will involve being confined to bed with an IV drip and a catheter. "I will not offer you pain relief," she says. "You will need to ask me for it."

It hurts to move or lie down, so I sit rigidly on the birthing bed and hold Ben's hand. He sends a text update to our families, but I ask him to stop because it's a distraction (sorry, family!). He is all I have at the moment and I need 100% of his presence. He brings me a birthing ball and I lean on it, exhausted. It's now Thursday, and we've been awake since 1:30 am the previous day.

The contractions are now strong enough that I am yelling at the top of my lungs during each wave. I think of it as an opportunity to practice some vocal exercises, and I wonder how long this will last, if I'll lose my voice. I feel like crying, but no tears come. Instead, I reach into my shallow memory and practice some birthing mantras - breathing in peace and breathing out love, breathing to the rhythm of my favourite songs. I try to remember the hypnobirthing sensory techniques I'd read about, something about a glove and a rainbow, but I don't recall anything beyond that. After a particularly intense contraction, I ask the midwife if this is what I'm supposed to be doing, as I was too late to sign up for birthing classes and I'm flying blind. She reassures me that I'm doing things perfectly.

At 7 cm I ask for the nitrous oxide, feeling a little pang of defeat at my departure from an entirely natural birth. The gas doesn't do much - I later describe it to Ben as being drunk at a party with a bunch of people I can't stand, but not really caring to do anything about it. The pain increases to the point where I am screaming into the gas tube, collapsed on top of the birthing ball. Ben has a hard time watching me in labor and cries a few times, he later tells me. Even though I'm the one in physical pain, I do not envy his emotional misery at all. He holds my hand, and at one point is prompted to feed me packets of honey as I am too dehydrated. "I think I need an epidural," I say.

The midwife sits down next to me and reiterates that an epidural will mean confinement to the bed with an IV and catheter, that I've been doing so well and am nearly to the end of the process. She instead suggests the shot of morphine, which carries some risk but is a much less invasive method of pain relief. I ask for the morphine and receive it.

The midwife brings out a floor mattress for Ben to sleep on, and tells me to try and get some rest, to save up energy for the inevitable pushing and birth. The morphine does not take the pain away, but lets me fade in and out of consciousness. The waves increase and my hand clutching the gas tube is shaking. I stretch my other hand out to Ben and he takes it, still lying on the mattress, but after a while he drifts off to sleep.

I think of my friends who have recently lost babies in miscarriage and stillbirth, who I imagine would do anything to be in my shoes in that moment. I dedicate waves of pain to each of them. Then I dedicate waves to members of our families and close friends. Soon there are no more people to dedicate waves to.

Some time later, the lights are turned on - it is morning and time for the midwife shift change. I thank the previous midwife and am introduced to two new women, a midwife and a trainee. They begin to talk to me about pushing. I am now 9 cm dilated.

They let me push in different positions: on all fours, on my side, on a cute purple birthing chair. They teach me how to push, how to feel the difference between a shallow one and a pelvic push, coaching me to channel my yelling into pure pushing. I try my hardest. An hour and a half passes, and a doctor arrives to assess the situation. They all tell me that I'm making good progress. I, however, am not so sure. "What are some other options?" I ask.

The doctor suggests a vacuum delivery, which would require an episiotomy - but at that point I am exhausted from two days of labor, over an hour of active pushing, and nine months of waiting to meet my child. A vacuum delivery sounds good to me. The doctor exits and returns with a cart full of terrifying-looking instruments, but ones that will help bring my daughter into this world. Her heart rate is dropping slightly, and I am glad I asked for assistance. A pediatric doctor enters the room and sets up an emergency resuscitation station for the baby, just in case.

"Just a few more pushes," says the midwife softly. "You're going to meet your baby girl very soon."

The midwives and doctor instruct me on when to push and when to stop pushing and breathe. This is a lot harder than it sounds. I hold Ben's hand, not looking at anyone or anything, just closing my eyes and envisioning my daughter and I, working hard together to bring her into this world.

One big push and a few small ones later, she is finally here - gray and slimy, present and magnificent with her eyes open and aware. She is tangled in her cord, most likely the reason it took so long to bring her out. The midwives immediately place her on my chest for skin-to-skin contact, one of two requests I've made. There is a moment of complete silence as everyone holds their breath, waiting to hear her first. We hear a small weak cry and then a much bigger one as she clears her throat from the life she has left behind in the womb.

After a few minutes they ask me if they can cut her cord, which has stopped pulsating from the placenta - delayed cord clamping, my other request. Ben makes the cut, and then she is all ours. Our flesh and blood, our history and our future.

"She looks like your brother," says Ben. "What should we call her?"
"How about Arden Brie?" Arden has been on the top of our name list for a long time. According to some sources, the female version means "valley of the eagle," which is Ben's spirit animal given to him by his father. We name her Brie for her uncle Gabriel. And for the delicious cheese.

Ben and I bond with the newest member of our family. I feel no more pain, save for the short sting of local anesthetic before the doctor stitches up the episiotomy. Arden is calm and inquisitive and strong. For the moment, she looks a lot like me and my side of the family, with darker features and Asian-shaped eyes.

After some time, the midwives take Arden for her measurements and reflex tests and I head to the bathroom to gingerly take a shower. I look at my body in the mirror, observing the changes, babyless and sagging everywhere. Nobody talks much about the postpartum period, probably because of our natural instinct to preserve human life and ensure our survival. There is a lot of blood and discomfort and very gradual healing. After my shower, the bathroom looks like the outtakes of a Quentin Tarantino movie. Everything I touch afterwards is stained with blood, like I am some kind of horrific version of King Midas. But I don't care. This is how life begins.

We spend the next two days in the hospital, in a shared room with another couple and baby. I pass a blood clot the size of Texas and am monitored for postpartum hemmorhage. Because it's a public hospital, Ben isn't allowed to stay overnight, so I am left alone with Arden for her first two nights of life. It's hard to feed and change her while hooked up to an IV, so I call the midwives for assistance often throughout the night. Arden is a calm and pleasant baby, although she doesn't like being alone in her bassinet. I let her sleep next to me in the hospital bed.

On the second day Arden and I are cleared for discharge, armed with paperwork and information about midwife home visits, doctor appointments and breastfeeding tips. Ben calls our friend Rick to drive us from the hospital to our apartment, and we begin packing up our belongings. We dress Arden in one of the tiny outfits I've packed for her, and we strap her into the infant carseat the Victorian government has provided for us.

Ben carries the carseat, I take his other hand, and together we exit the hospital, beginning our journey as a family of three.

CK

welcome, arden.

Hi! I'm Arden Brie. I was born on October 29, 7 pounds and 2 ounces, 19.7 inches long. My parents are working on writing about my birth story, but it might take a while because I like being held and fed all the time. Good luck, mum and dad!

AK

semester three, trimester three.

Well, I'm approaching the last week of class for my third semester of grad school - and less than ten days until our baby's estimated due date (October 27)! Thankfully most of my final projects are just about done, and I'm very relieved to have made it this far along, especially when there had been some concern a few months ago about delivering the baby early.

working on a video project for a class.

It's been a pretty smooth few months. This semester was probably my busiest yet, but my schedule still allowed for various doctor appointments and plenty of time to nest (or procrastinate nesting). Ben and I have made some decent progress in getting the apartment ready for Kortlever #3, and we've been able to enjoy our last weekends as just the two of us - going out for brunch, watching a movie ("The Martian" - so good!) having friends over to play cards... things we won't be doing too much of once the baby arrives. I know the world doesn't end when you have a baby, but things will be different from now on.

last pre-baby Cards Against Humanity night!

enjoying the Mooncake/Mid-Autumn Festival festivities

 brunch.

Our friends from work and uni have been really supportive and helpful during this time. Ben's coworkers have been giving/lending us a ton of hand-me-down clothes, baby furniture and accessories. His boss' wife threw me an adorable baby shower, and I invited a bunch of our girl friends. We've even received some nice cards and baby care packages from family and friends in the States!

"hen's" baby shower

babystuff from our friends Adam and Priscilla

Anyway, I'm ready to be done with carrying a melon-sized human in my tummy. I've been blessed with a relatively easy pregnancy and a pretty chill baby (she's only kicked me hard a few times), but I do miss being active - running especially, and even being able to walk up a flight of stairs without feeling ill. Exactly a year ago I completed the Melbourne Marathon, and now I'm the person waddling to the elevator and riding it to level one. Hopefully it won't be too long before I'm back to jogging on the sidewalks!

Also, we finally gave in and got a Costco membership - because buying in bulk just makes so much sense now, especially since we'll be a family of three soon. There's a store relatively close to our house, and as a bonus we've been able to buy some much-missed American products (like jalapeno poppers and pepperjack cheese). And oh yes, even in Australia they sell giant American-sized slices of greasy pizza for less than $3 at the food court. Why did it take us this long??

beautiful, beautiful Costco

CK

parenthood: an interview.

As the baby's late October due date approaches, we thought it would be fun to reflect on some highlights of the pregnancy process and ask ourselves some questions about parenthood:


Are you ready to be a parent?

Candice: I'm not ready for anything I do! I don't think anyone really is. I honestly can't imagine myself as a mother, or picture an infant in our apartment. But in my opinion, life happens whether you're "ready" or not. We had a lot of conversations before I got pregnant, about when to start trying and all that. And the more we talked, the more we realised that there's really no good time to have a baby. There are "better" and more convenient times for sure, but for the most part everyone has to make a sacrifice of some sort. So for me, it's not about being ready - it's being willing. And we're definitely willing!

Ben: I don't know that ready is the right word, but I do feel like I'm at the right place in my life to have kids.  I've been working for many years so am settled into my career, Candice and I have had some fun years and great adventures, just the two of us, and I'm at the age where I always felt like I would want to be when I had a baby.  I'm not sure how ready I am for the lack of sleep though...


What has been the best part of the pregnancy process so far?

Candice: The first ultrasound was one of the most surreal moments, I think. And of course, the more pregnant I became, the more I got to bond with the baby - feel her move and become familiar with her "schedule" and mannerisms. Even though it's not comfortable to get bigger and have so much weight in one place (and some others, unfortunately!), it's definitely been an experience where I feel connected to other women, in my family and all around the world. I know that sadly not everyone has this privilege, so I'm very grateful that it's been a positive journey for us thus far.

Ben: Basically from the start of the third trimester when I could feel little mooncake moving around.  There's something incredibly comforting and special with having that physical contact with baby, almost like she is reaching out to push my hand as I hold Candice's belly.  Also the outpouring of love, support and kindness from family and especially my friends and coworkers here in Melbourne.  We've been gifted so many things for baby and it's been a huge blessing for us.


How about the worst?

Ben: Being back in Washington with my family when Candice had her first overnight stay at the hospital.  I hated that feeling of helplessness, but the worst part was knowing she was alone and afraid for the health of baby and I couldn't be there for her (also the doctors and midwives didn't help by telling her to expect to have the baby right then!).  I don't think I'll be taking any more trips across the world if Candice is ever pregnant again.

Candice: Aside from the usual sickness and general pregnancy uncomfortable-ness, my experience at the hospital has been up and down. Whenever I've had questions about a symptom or concern, the midwives/doctors would either suggest that I "google it at home" (seriously), or that I go directly to the Emergency Centre the next time I had an issue. Nothing in between. My first trip to the Emergency Centre was crazy - and while it's "better to be safe than sorry" I wish there was a middle ground when it comes to monitoring.

Also, during my pregnancy a few of my friends sadly went through late miscarriages. Hearing about their experiences with loss and pain made me really sad, and also scared and angry. Miscarriage is unfortunately pretty common, and it's incredibly unfair. So I've tried to approach pregnancy with a super grateful attitude. I still want to have fun and enjoy this time of my life, but social media makes you a lot more aware of taking anything for granted - professional/personal achievements, significant others, having children, being in good health.


How has it felt being away from family and close friends during this time?

Ben: For me, it hasn't really felt that different from before we were expecting a baby.  It's been hard to be away from everyone since we left, so nothing has really changed in that respect.  I do imagine it will be harder for me once mooncake arrives though, as right now she's still in Candice and therefore "in progress" in my mind.  But soon our daughter will make her grand entrance, and I know I'll be sad that my sisters, nephews, parents and grandparents won't be able to hold her until we come visit.

Candice: Not too bad so far. I sort of have an aversion to community, so maybe things are best this way? It was nice to visit my family and old community in Michigan this past June/July, and have all that positive energy and attention for a week. But it's also nice to be somewhat anonymously pregnant in Melbourne, as I'm not a huge fan of attention all the time. I imagine once the baby is actually here, I'll miss the company of close family and our old friends. I'm definitely looking forward to my mother's visit after Christmas!

Also, a few of my university friends have known about it for a while, and they've all been very, very supportive. At first I was nervous about being pregnant in grad school, especially because most of my classmates aren't at that stage in life - but they've all been really sweet and understanding and extremely helpful. And they know it's okay to laugh at me when I struggle with zipping up my jacket..!


How do you think your overseas/expat status will affect your baby?

Candice: I guess it depends on how long we stay in Australia. Our baby might grow up identifying as an Australian, with a full Aussie accent and an undying love for Vegemite. Or we might move back to the States before she can remember anything, and it'll just be one of those fun facts she can brag to all her friends about. I hope that no matter what, being born in Melbourne is a positive experience for her.

Ben: Hopefully it'll give our baby a sense of connectedness with a larger community across the world.  Already we have family in the Philippines, Indonesia, the US, and elsewhere, so adding to that multicultural family will hopefully be a connection with Australia.  Even if we don't live here long enough for her to form many memories or be influenced much by Australia, I know that there are many elements of our life here that I will teach and share with her.

Of course, it also means baby will never be able to run for president.  So really, we are doing her a favor.


What are you looking forward to as a parent?

Candice: This is totally random - but I swear parents have this superpower to always be present at the most inappropriate times. Like in high school when I'd rent movies, my parents would always be in the other room for most of it, and when they'd come in to see what I was watching it would always be the worst scene in the whole movie. No matter what movie, if there was only one partially nude scene, or one really bad swear word - that's the only part they would see. So, I'm looking forward to exercising this power and making my child really embarrassed!

But seriously - bringing a life into this world, earning a new role as a mother and parent, and experiencing life through the eyes of a child - I'm definitely looking forward to that. And I'm really, really excited to see Ben as a father. I feel like he was always meant to be one. I personally don't think I have a real motherly personality, so I'm going to have to grow up pretty fast!

Ben: Having baby curled up asleep on my chest.  Introducing her to games like tag, airplane, hot lava, and all the other fun things I used to invent when I was a kid.  Seeing my mannerisms and elements of my personality and the personality of other family members in our baby.  Reading to her.  Experiencing the sense of wonder and amazement that baby will have when she discovers new things or sees certain things for the first time.  Hearing the stories and incredibly random questions that baby will come up with.

Also the inevitable embarrassing moments.  Such as this story my family loves to tell of me as a child: We went to a family friend's house for a visit, and upon arriving at the house I asked them if I could have something to eat.  My Dad said "Ben, it isn't polite to ask for food when you are a guest in someone's house."  I responded "Oh, I'm sorry."  Then turned back to them and asked "Can I have something to drink?"  I can't wait for these moments!


What are your primary fears for raising a child in general?

Candice: During our first ultrasound, we were told that our baby had a slightly elevated risk of Down's Syndrome due to her measurements. But whether or not she has a disability is irrelevant to me. Children get sick, they have physical and mental problems, they will get hurt, and they will always defy your expectations whether or not they're classified as "normal." Absolutely nothing is guaranteed in life. I think my greatest fear is that my child will be "normal" but grow up to do something stupid and terrible and hurt a lot of people.

Also, I don't want to be the kind of parent who thinks my children can do no wrong. I want to be able to see things clearly, and not make excuses for them when they're obviously the culprit. I'm sure I'll have my moments, but sometimes I see kids being bratty and physically/emotionally abusive, and their parents make weak excuses for their behaviour. And that's something I really hope I don't do, but who knows. Parenthood is a funny thing...

Ben: Losing our child is my greatest fear, whether it be during pregnancy or when I'm 100 years old.  But other than this greatest fear that all parents share, I'm afraid of screwing up my kids by either being too loving, not loving enough, or something in between.  I know it is a largely irrational fear, as I believe I will be a loving and supportive father, but knowing that a child's life is in your hands and that how you raise them can have a huge impact on who they become places a lot of pressure on me.  Also I'm afraid of them growing up to hate me or Candice.  I am grateful that I am still close with my parents, and I hope our baby will always be close with us.


What kinds of values do you want to instill in your child?

Candice: Not being afraid to learn or take chances, the value of hard work, and a love of theme parks, superhero characters, adventures and especially art. I also hope that our child learns respect and tolerance. We're lucky enough to come from a pretty diverse family, made up of different races and nationalities and religions of varying degrees of observance. I don't want our children to be judgmental and live sheltered lives, so hopefully coming from a diverse family will help teach them respect for others - and that we're all different, but we're also all the same.

Ben: Like my Dad instilled in me, I want our baby to experience and appreciate my values of play, adventure and the importance of discovery and imagination.  Also reading, playing music, participating in sports and being part of a community, a great sense of humor, an openness to different viewpoints and opinions, and a confidence in their beliefs and who they are.  And of course, a love of the Seahawks, Nintendo video games, and metal music.


What do you hope to take away from your own childhood when raising your baby? What are some things you might try to alter?

Candice: Many members of my extended family live in Southeast Asia, and as a result I've been an international traveler since toddlerhood. My parents always encouraged me to take international trips for school as well. So it would be nice for our children to be well-traveled from a young age, although the idea of taking small children on a 24-hour plane journey is quite daunting.

Also, as a child I was encouraged to seriously pursue a few things and keep going with them. I think that's great, but the flip side is that I never had the time to explore other areas that I might have been good at, too. For example, visual art and sports/athletics, two things I never participated in during my teen years, but ended up dabbling in only during my adult life. I want our children to be well-rounded. Even though it's fun to be "the best" at something (at least, in a small community, and usually only for a little while), sometimes when you lose your greatest ability for whatever reason, it really messes with your identity. In my experience, I've been much happier being mediocre at a bunch of things, instead of excelling in one or two. But everyone's different. I hope we're able to encourage our children to explore different interests and fields, and support them in what they decide to pursue, or not pursue.

Ben: I grew up in a very safe neighborhood, where all the kids who lived in the area would constantly be outside playing together with no adult supervision needed.  There was a great sense of community and a real vibrancy of life, and that is something I would love for our child.  The fear and closed doors of life in so many parts of the country, and the world, are such a shame and not the life I would want for our child.  I know there are terrible people out there and that you can't trust everyone, but I want to do everything I can to put us in a place where our children can have the freedom to explore in the safety of a community we trust.

I wasn't raised with any music lessons or instrument practices, and this is something I will encourage and emphasize with our baby.  Also more out-of-country travel, as I hardly travelled when I was growing up and was quite sheltered for most of my life (and largely still am).  I also never had a dog as a kid, but as soon as we are in a house we'll be getting a dog to help raise baby. :)


And finally, any thoughts on raising a girl?

Candice: I'm really happy about it! I'm a girl-firstborn, and Ben was raised in a family that has one, so it's what we're used to. And of course, having the first girl grandchild on Ben's side is really special. Of course there are some concerns. I know firsthand that being a girl comes with a lot of double standards in this society, and in many places around the world it can be dangerous to be female. Issues like self-esteem and bullying, the victim-blaming culture, endless debates about women's healthcare, and inequality in the workplace are all really unfortunate and disappointing. But I think there's definitely a rising culture of awareness that is shedding light on so many of these issues, and I hope that things are at least a little bit better by the time our daughter reaches school-age.

Ben: I'm thrilled!  As Candice said, having the first girl in the family is really exciting and it feels normal to have a girl first since I have an older sister.  I've spent lots of time playing and wrestling with my nephews who are high energy and love to roughhouse, and I'm excited to share those experiences with our daughter, as well as discover the many other things she'll be into (which hopefully includes reading all the fantasy books in my collection, since Candice has no interest in them).  That said, I do feel some pressure having the first girl in the family, and it will be difficult to keep the family from spoiling her with pink stuff, but mostly I'm grateful and can't wait to meet her.

As for the many concerns Candice raised, those won't be an issue as our daughter will never leave the house at night (or at all during her teenage years), and I'll make it a rule that I accompany her on any dates.  Either that or we'll just move to Antarctica.

Candice: Sure Ben, sure...

little mooncake's gender reveal...

Breaking news..! We're happy to announce:

Just a few more weeks to go!

BK & CK

bye bye winter.

It's finally Spring in Melbourne! It's still relatively chilly outside, but we're definitely looking forward to warmer weather, and hopefully no more head colds! I think this has been the most sick we've been as a married couple, partially because I can't take a lot of medicines (like my beloved echinacea) while pregnant.

my specialty "ugh we're both sick again" breadball soup.

I also made another trip to the Emergency Care centre, a little over a month ago. Apparently having a low-lying and posterior placenta is not the best thing in pregnancy, and neither is bleeding. Fortunately I only had to stay in the hospital one night (although they wanted me to stay for two), and I was very grateful that Ben was around this time to hang out with me during visiting hours so I could win all the card games.

hospital fun.

It was also our 2nd wedding anniversary, which was uneventful per usual.

an evolution of the past few August 31sts

We also got to celebrate Melbourne Day, the "180th birthday of Melbourne" (although I'm sure there's some controversy there). It's not a well-known holiday (most of our local friends had no idea), and I'd only heard about it through twitter. The Docklands put on a festival, which we assumed would see a fair to moderate turnout like they usually do - but it was in fact a zoo in our normally zombie-apocalypse-esque neighbourhood. Food trucks, fair booths, events at the library, and people crowding around the performance stage to see (apparently) famous bands rocking out.

flags! free flags!

It also happened to be a really really sunny day, a lot warmer than any other day in the season. We're definitely looking forward to (hopefully) many more warm days this season!

sunshiiiine

CK