parenthood: an interview.

As the baby's late October due date approaches, we thought it would be fun to reflect on some highlights of the pregnancy process and ask ourselves some questions about parenthood:


Are you ready to be a parent?

Candice: I'm not ready for anything I do! I don't think anyone really is. I honestly can't imagine myself as a mother, or picture an infant in our apartment. But in my opinion, life happens whether you're "ready" or not. We had a lot of conversations before I got pregnant, about when to start trying and all that. And the more we talked, the more we realised that there's really no good time to have a baby. There are "better" and more convenient times for sure, but for the most part everyone has to make a sacrifice of some sort. So for me, it's not about being ready - it's being willing. And we're definitely willing!

Ben: I don't know that ready is the right word, but I do feel like I'm at the right place in my life to have kids.  I've been working for many years so am settled into my career, Candice and I have had some fun years and great adventures, just the two of us, and I'm at the age where I always felt like I would want to be when I had a baby.  I'm not sure how ready I am for the lack of sleep though...


What has been the best part of the pregnancy process so far?

Candice: The first ultrasound was one of the most surreal moments, I think. And of course, the more pregnant I became, the more I got to bond with the baby - feel her move and become familiar with her "schedule" and mannerisms. Even though it's not comfortable to get bigger and have so much weight in one place (and some others, unfortunately!), it's definitely been an experience where I feel connected to other women, in my family and all around the world. I know that sadly not everyone has this privilege, so I'm very grateful that it's been a positive journey for us thus far.

Ben: Basically from the start of the third trimester when I could feel little mooncake moving around.  There's something incredibly comforting and special with having that physical contact with baby, almost like she is reaching out to push my hand as I hold Candice's belly.  Also the outpouring of love, support and kindness from family and especially my friends and coworkers here in Melbourne.  We've been gifted so many things for baby and it's been a huge blessing for us.


How about the worst?

Ben: Being back in Washington with my family when Candice had her first overnight stay at the hospital.  I hated that feeling of helplessness, but the worst part was knowing she was alone and afraid for the health of baby and I couldn't be there for her (also the doctors and midwives didn't help by telling her to expect to have the baby right then!).  I don't think I'll be taking any more trips across the world if Candice is ever pregnant again.

Candice: Aside from the usual sickness and general pregnancy uncomfortable-ness, my experience at the hospital has been up and down. Whenever I've had questions about a symptom or concern, the midwives/doctors would either suggest that I "google it at home" (seriously), or that I go directly to the Emergency Centre the next time I had an issue. Nothing in between. My first trip to the Emergency Centre was crazy - and while it's "better to be safe than sorry" I wish there was a middle ground when it comes to monitoring.

Also, during my pregnancy a few of my friends sadly went through late miscarriages. Hearing about their experiences with loss and pain made me really sad, and also scared and angry. Miscarriage is unfortunately pretty common, and it's incredibly unfair. So I've tried to approach pregnancy with a super grateful attitude. I still want to have fun and enjoy this time of my life, but social media makes you a lot more aware of taking anything for granted - professional/personal achievements, significant others, having children, being in good health.


How has it felt being away from family and close friends during this time?

Ben: For me, it hasn't really felt that different from before we were expecting a baby.  It's been hard to be away from everyone since we left, so nothing has really changed in that respect.  I do imagine it will be harder for me once mooncake arrives though, as right now she's still in Candice and therefore "in progress" in my mind.  But soon our daughter will make her grand entrance, and I know I'll be sad that my sisters, nephews, parents and grandparents won't be able to hold her until we come visit.

Candice: Not too bad so far. I sort of have an aversion to community, so maybe things are best this way? It was nice to visit my family and old community in Michigan this past June/July, and have all that positive energy and attention for a week. But it's also nice to be somewhat anonymously pregnant in Melbourne, as I'm not a huge fan of attention all the time. I imagine once the baby is actually here, I'll miss the company of close family and our old friends. I'm definitely looking forward to my mother's visit after Christmas!

Also, a few of my university friends have known about it for a while, and they've all been very, very supportive. At first I was nervous about being pregnant in grad school, especially because most of my classmates aren't at that stage in life - but they've all been really sweet and understanding and extremely helpful. And they know it's okay to laugh at me when I struggle with zipping up my jacket..!


How do you think your overseas/expat status will affect your baby?

Candice: I guess it depends on how long we stay in Australia. Our baby might grow up identifying as an Australian, with a full Aussie accent and an undying love for Vegemite. Or we might move back to the States before she can remember anything, and it'll just be one of those fun facts she can brag to all her friends about. I hope that no matter what, being born in Melbourne is a positive experience for her.

Ben: Hopefully it'll give our baby a sense of connectedness with a larger community across the world.  Already we have family in the Philippines, Indonesia, the US, and elsewhere, so adding to that multicultural family will hopefully be a connection with Australia.  Even if we don't live here long enough for her to form many memories or be influenced much by Australia, I know that there are many elements of our life here that I will teach and share with her.

Of course, it also means baby will never be able to run for president.  So really, we are doing her a favor.


What are you looking forward to as a parent?

Candice: This is totally random - but I swear parents have this superpower to always be present at the most inappropriate times. Like in high school when I'd rent movies, my parents would always be in the other room for most of it, and when they'd come in to see what I was watching it would always be the worst scene in the whole movie. No matter what movie, if there was only one partially nude scene, or one really bad swear word - that's the only part they would see. So, I'm looking forward to exercising this power and making my child really embarrassed!

But seriously - bringing a life into this world, earning a new role as a mother and parent, and experiencing life through the eyes of a child - I'm definitely looking forward to that. And I'm really, really excited to see Ben as a father. I feel like he was always meant to be one. I personally don't think I have a real motherly personality, so I'm going to have to grow up pretty fast!

Ben: Having baby curled up asleep on my chest.  Introducing her to games like tag, airplane, hot lava, and all the other fun things I used to invent when I was a kid.  Seeing my mannerisms and elements of my personality and the personality of other family members in our baby.  Reading to her.  Experiencing the sense of wonder and amazement that baby will have when she discovers new things or sees certain things for the first time.  Hearing the stories and incredibly random questions that baby will come up with.

Also the inevitable embarrassing moments.  Such as this story my family loves to tell of me as a child: We went to a family friend's house for a visit, and upon arriving at the house I asked them if I could have something to eat.  My Dad said "Ben, it isn't polite to ask for food when you are a guest in someone's house."  I responded "Oh, I'm sorry."  Then turned back to them and asked "Can I have something to drink?"  I can't wait for these moments!


What are your primary fears for raising a child in general?

Candice: During our first ultrasound, we were told that our baby had a slightly elevated risk of Down's Syndrome due to her measurements. But whether or not she has a disability is irrelevant to me. Children get sick, they have physical and mental problems, they will get hurt, and they will always defy your expectations whether or not they're classified as "normal." Absolutely nothing is guaranteed in life. I think my greatest fear is that my child will be "normal" but grow up to do something stupid and terrible and hurt a lot of people.

Also, I don't want to be the kind of parent who thinks my children can do no wrong. I want to be able to see things clearly, and not make excuses for them when they're obviously the culprit. I'm sure I'll have my moments, but sometimes I see kids being bratty and physically/emotionally abusive, and their parents make weak excuses for their behaviour. And that's something I really hope I don't do, but who knows. Parenthood is a funny thing...

Ben: Losing our child is my greatest fear, whether it be during pregnancy or when I'm 100 years old.  But other than this greatest fear that all parents share, I'm afraid of screwing up my kids by either being too loving, not loving enough, or something in between.  I know it is a largely irrational fear, as I believe I will be a loving and supportive father, but knowing that a child's life is in your hands and that how you raise them can have a huge impact on who they become places a lot of pressure on me.  Also I'm afraid of them growing up to hate me or Candice.  I am grateful that I am still close with my parents, and I hope our baby will always be close with us.


What kinds of values do you want to instill in your child?

Candice: Not being afraid to learn or take chances, the value of hard work, and a love of theme parks, superhero characters, adventures and especially art. I also hope that our child learns respect and tolerance. We're lucky enough to come from a pretty diverse family, made up of different races and nationalities and religions of varying degrees of observance. I don't want our children to be judgmental and live sheltered lives, so hopefully coming from a diverse family will help teach them respect for others - and that we're all different, but we're also all the same.

Ben: Like my Dad instilled in me, I want our baby to experience and appreciate my values of play, adventure and the importance of discovery and imagination.  Also reading, playing music, participating in sports and being part of a community, a great sense of humor, an openness to different viewpoints and opinions, and a confidence in their beliefs and who they are.  And of course, a love of the Seahawks, Nintendo video games, and metal music.


What do you hope to take away from your own childhood when raising your baby? What are some things you might try to alter?

Candice: Many members of my extended family live in Southeast Asia, and as a result I've been an international traveler since toddlerhood. My parents always encouraged me to take international trips for school as well. So it would be nice for our children to be well-traveled from a young age, although the idea of taking small children on a 24-hour plane journey is quite daunting.

Also, as a child I was encouraged to seriously pursue a few things and keep going with them. I think that's great, but the flip side is that I never had the time to explore other areas that I might have been good at, too. For example, visual art and sports/athletics, two things I never participated in during my teen years, but ended up dabbling in only during my adult life. I want our children to be well-rounded. Even though it's fun to be "the best" at something (at least, in a small community, and usually only for a little while), sometimes when you lose your greatest ability for whatever reason, it really messes with your identity. In my experience, I've been much happier being mediocre at a bunch of things, instead of excelling in one or two. But everyone's different. I hope we're able to encourage our children to explore different interests and fields, and support them in what they decide to pursue, or not pursue.

Ben: I grew up in a very safe neighborhood, where all the kids who lived in the area would constantly be outside playing together with no adult supervision needed.  There was a great sense of community and a real vibrancy of life, and that is something I would love for our child.  The fear and closed doors of life in so many parts of the country, and the world, are such a shame and not the life I would want for our child.  I know there are terrible people out there and that you can't trust everyone, but I want to do everything I can to put us in a place where our children can have the freedom to explore in the safety of a community we trust.

I wasn't raised with any music lessons or instrument practices, and this is something I will encourage and emphasize with our baby.  Also more out-of-country travel, as I hardly travelled when I was growing up and was quite sheltered for most of my life (and largely still am).  I also never had a dog as a kid, but as soon as we are in a house we'll be getting a dog to help raise baby. :)


And finally, any thoughts on raising a girl?

Candice: I'm really happy about it! I'm a girl-firstborn, and Ben was raised in a family that has one, so it's what we're used to. And of course, having the first girl grandchild on Ben's side is really special. Of course there are some concerns. I know firsthand that being a girl comes with a lot of double standards in this society, and in many places around the world it can be dangerous to be female. Issues like self-esteem and bullying, the victim-blaming culture, endless debates about women's healthcare, and inequality in the workplace are all really unfortunate and disappointing. But I think there's definitely a rising culture of awareness that is shedding light on so many of these issues, and I hope that things are at least a little bit better by the time our daughter reaches school-age.

Ben: I'm thrilled!  As Candice said, having the first girl in the family is really exciting and it feels normal to have a girl first since I have an older sister.  I've spent lots of time playing and wrestling with my nephews who are high energy and love to roughhouse, and I'm excited to share those experiences with our daughter, as well as discover the many other things she'll be into (which hopefully includes reading all the fantasy books in my collection, since Candice has no interest in them).  That said, I do feel some pressure having the first girl in the family, and it will be difficult to keep the family from spoiling her with pink stuff, but mostly I'm grateful and can't wait to meet her.

As for the many concerns Candice raised, those won't be an issue as our daughter will never leave the house at night (or at all during her teenage years), and I'll make it a rule that I accompany her on any dates.  Either that or we'll just move to Antarctica.

Candice: Sure Ben, sure...