enjoying the moment, and other thoughts.

Arden is almost 5 months old now, and I find myself getting a bit emotional because she totally isn't a newborn anymore. Technically she stopped being a newborn at 3 months (babies are "infants" after 3 months), but for some reason her 4-month milestone held more weight for me this time.

Arden's 4-month photoshoot - time flies!

I find myself caught between wishing Arden would grow up faster, and wanting to hold on to her sweet babyhood for just a moment longer. It's hard to believe, but Ben and I have actually reminisced about the "good old days" when Arden was so young she would drift off to sleep in our arms at a moment's notice (none of this rocking/feeding to sleep craziness), or when she would cluster feed long enough for us to park in front of the television for an interrupted movie (I never thought I'd ever miss the cluster-feeding days!). She is a highly interactive child, always wanting to stare at things, fighting sleep almost every naptime or bedtime. In fact, her "4 month sleep regression" has gotten so bad that Ben has moved into the guest bedroom for the past two weeks and counting, and our attempts at corrective sleep training have not gone well.

more caffeine, pleeeease

Anyway, I'm terrible at goodbyes in general, and sometimes it seems like parenting is one long goodbye. The stages go by so quickly, and we are constantly saying farewell to sweet little quirks without even realising it. Like Arden's adorable "failed sneezes" as Ben likes to call them - where she would gear up for a giant sneeze, but only a cute little <sigh> would come out. Her sneeze success rate is almost 100% now - how bittersweet!

But parenting is also one long hello. Every week Arden makes a new discovery, or starts practicing a new skill or mannerism. Now when we sing to her, she breaks into a contagious and uninhibited smile, sometimes even in the midst of a crying spell - needless to say, I sing to her a lot these days! She likes to puff out her cheeks when she stares at people on the tram, and she looks kind of like Nien Nunb from Star Wars when she does it. She's also starting to show signs of interest in rolling over (but still hasn't), and likes to grab her growing collection of plush elephants. I love watching her learn about the world around her, and we're looking forward to eventually taking her to places like the zoo and aquarium and seeing her big eyes light up with wonder, probably years from now - but we're excited.

We've been trying to enjoy the Autumn festivities as much as possible, such as the Moomba Festival two weekends ago. We don't really do much at these events, but it's fun to take Arden in her stroller or the baby carrier, and just walk through the crowds and absorb all the energy. I was also reminded of last year's festival, watching the Birdman Rally on the grassy bank - scarfing down a bag of dry crackers because I was simultaneously famished and nauseous (yep, I don't miss that). It's hard to believe that I was pregnant with Arden a year ago! 

this year's Moomba festival

I got to try my hand at single parenting for four days, when Ben went to Wodonga on a work trip two weeks ago. It was pretty challenging, especially during the evening hours when I would normally get a little break to eat dinner before starting the chaotic bedtime routine. But we made it through. I even took Arden to class with me (usually Ben comes to the university to watch her), and she was pretty well-behaved. And now she knows a little more about journalism!

These days, I'm trying to actively enjoy the moment - something I admittedly have a hard time doing. I'm not the most anxious person I know, but I often look back on phases in my life and wish I had taken them for what they were, instead of worrying about the future. I recall 2014, when I got to tag along on Ben's work projects around Victoria, exploring little towns and taking artsy pictures of everything - "living the dream," really. I look back on those days with rose-tinted glasses, but I remember how dark that time felt without today's context, feeling worthless without a legitimate purpose in life (like a job, or school). I know I tried to enjoy those moments while they lasted, but those memories are tinged with feelings of despair and lack of direction.

So here I am now, in a completely different place - but still worrying about milestones and classes and whether or not Arden will ever be able to go to sleep at night without me. But I know I'll miss these days of constant caring for the baby. As the saying goes: the days are long but the years are short. 

Here's to the long days.

CK