motherhood reflections, 3ish months in.

Arden is almost three months old!

To be honest, I don't know where the time has gone for the past 12 weeks. I still feel like I'm "surviving" from day to day, but doing absolutely nothing "difficult" in particular. The weekday schedule consists of three simple things: breastfeeding, "baby playtime" that isn't quite long enough yet (aka setting her down on a playmat while I run to the bathroom, then the fridge for something to eat and maaaaybe the sink to do some dishes if she isn't screaming at me yet), then putting her down for a nap (aka rocking and holding her in a baby carrier for an hour or two), over and over and over again. Sometimes I don't feel like a mom. I feel like a cow, and I feel like a crib.

So. My first goal of 2016: teach Arden how to nap not-on-a-human, which I think will make a huge difference in our schedules - and my sanity!

Anyway. Here are some other reflections from my first few months of mommyhood:


I get nothing done.

Pre-baby, I could tackle things on my to-do list one at a time and in a reasonable order. I now have to get used to accomplishing things in little steps scattered throughout the day, instead of having a longer chunk of time to dedicate to something. And by "accomplishing things" I mean elementary stuff like filling out Arden's passport paperwork or cutting my toenails. Or this blog entry, which was once titled "reflections for the first month of motherhood" - and well, look where we are now!

These days, the line between duty and pleasure is very, very blurry. Boiling and peeling eggs, reorganising shelves, even calling the hospital to pay a bill - these are things I look forward to doing now, these are my daily mood-boosters. Going for a quick run is the ultimate frivolous activity because it requires a set block of time (it can't be broken up into smaller chunks) and it requires another "fun" activity afterwards: a shower!

Relationships change.

Ben and I have always loved spending time together, and it's been a challenge adjusting to life as parents. We used to curl up on the couch and watch shows and movies in the evenings, and work on projects/fun activities separately but together on weekends (video games/reading for Ben, art/writing for me). Now, one of us is always attending to the baby, which means the other is either making food, cleaning or trying to quickly enjoy a short-lived leisure activity. "I miss you!" is something we say to each other often, even when we spend whole days together at home. It's not easy, and I can see why many relationships struggle during the transition from two to three and more.

What on earth would I do without my smartphone?

This is sad, but really - I would probably lose my mind if I wasn't able to text and surf the web while breastfeeding and rocking/bouncing Arden. I text family and close friends a lot, and ask for parenting advice from friends who have recently had babies while things are fresh in their minds. I also try to pay it forward - a few of my friends are in their last stages of pregnancy, so I answer their labor/delivery/newborn questions to the best of my knowledge. And of course, I look up mommy blogs, vlogs and message boards for the latest in parenting tips and advice.

Self-care has never been more important... or harder to achieve.

The postpartum period is such a catch-22. Right after the incredibly painful and often traumatic experience of childbirth, your body and soul needs a ton of rest and recovery and space. But it's really hard to achieve any of that when there's a newborn to care for and a totally new lifestyle to adjust to (aka no sleep!). My physical postpartum recovery is almost complete, but self-care continues to be a challenge. I'm the kind of person who needs a lot of internal processing and reflecting time during life's big moments - journaling, daydreaming, songwriting - and I have to admit, I'm still trying to process what happened three months ago.

Nutrition is another puzzle to figure out. I quickly learned to prepare things ahead of time that I can eat quickly, one-handed, and preferably cold meals (because the hot food gets cold anyway!) - otherwise I just end up eating junk - not ideal for breastfeeding! So now, Sundays are my meal-prep day. I make a mediocre pasta/veggie salad, boil eggs and chop up vegetables - easy snacks for eating as I bounce and sway.

I also usually leave the house looking a lot less "presentable" than I ever have. I run errands in my pyjamas (the baby carrier covers most of my outfit anyway) and "dressing up" just means I've managed to put in my contacts and some moisturising sunscreen. Someday I'll care about appearance again, but for now this feels kind of liberating.

And speaking of clothing: When I was eight months pregnant, I started laying out old beloved clothes in excitement - favourite t-shirts, my one pair of jeans, cute hoodies - thinking I'd be able to wear all of it once I became un-pregnant. But guess what? I still can't wear most of it, because 1) it still doesn't fit (don't let the pictures fool you, I look 12 weeks pregnant in person!) 2) on-demand breastfeeding requires a special easy-access wardrobe and 3) everything I touch immediately gets either milk or spit-up on it. So. I have a tiny new daily wardrobe comprised of nursing tops and old gym shorts. Super stylish.

Arden loves taking selfies with mama!

It's a lot of effort to go out.

Even though it's still possible to go out with a baby in tow, it takes more work and more prep. Arden is super portable and relatively easygoing, but it's still a hassle to take her places - like restaurants, the grocery, or the Australian Open (which we did this year for the family/free day). A part of me wishes we had done more fun stuff before Arden's arrival - fancy dinners! festivals! concerts! - but I know that it's all in hindsight, and Ben and I have led a very full and adventurous pre-baby life. Someday if we have another child, we might wish we had done more things with just one baby because it was "so much easier"...

the Australian Open was a bit different this year...

I know it'll get easier. And harder.

Taking care of a baby is hard, but I know parenting only gets more complicated. There's hardly a dull moment - as soon as one problem is solved, two more emerge. I lament about constantly having to hold Arden, but once she starts crawling and exploring we'll have to babyproof our place and keep an eye on her all the time. Exclusively breastfeeding comes with its baggage, but it's extremely convenient. And of course, once Arden becomes her own person and more independent, there will be less physical maintenance... but more cognitive and emotional parenting to navigate.

she's getting so big!

All of the above is so, so worth it.

Arden grows so much, every week, every day. She now smiles at me in the mornings when I unswaddle her, has babbling "conversations" with me, and can hold her head pretty steady (and slam it down on my chest every now and then... eek). I can't believe how quickly she's developing, and it finally feels like we have a relationship. I love her so much and I know that in retrospect, these long days will go by in the blink of an eye.

these smiles make it all worth it.

Sometimes I wonder how single parents do it. Or working parents. Or people with multiples or multiple children... But then again, people wonder how we do it without a "community" or family in the area, and we're getting it done. (On the flip side, some new parents are jealous that we don't have a ton of people around, so I suppose there are pros and cons to everything!)

I guess at the end of the day, we all do what we can with what we have. We acclimate to whatever situations we're given. And our babies, they'll be just fine.

CK