I guess I should dedicate an entry to a question a lot of family and friends have asked us.
When are you going to have a baby?
Oh wait, not that one. This one:
Is Candice working?
Is she looking for a job?
Is she doing anything worthy of existence?
No one has actually asked that last one, although sometimes it totally feels like I'm a waste of space when I'm not on someone's payroll. I am definitely looking for a job, combing through seek.com.au and scouring the neighborhood for cafes that look like they might need help. And oh, writing those terrific cover letters...
A little secret: I don't know what I want to do with my life. I never have, and it feels like I never will. I didn't go to school for any reason except to go to school, but I don't regret it. I'm pretty good at a few things, but once they stop becoming hobbies and start being obligations, I stop enjoying them, and I stop doing them. Which is why I don't sell paintings or t-shirt designs on etsy, or pitch my songs to record labels, because I don't want to lose those passions. I may not know what I want to do with my life, but life goes on, and here I am, living. So in the meantime, I'm doing things that I enjoy for now. Like these:
I'm trying to feel okay about my temporary non-working situation, but at times I get stressed about it. Especially because my partner is working so hard at his job. To his credit, Ben has been very supportive of me, and greatly appreciates the things I've been able to do with my time off, like run errands and figure out the city. But he wants me to be happy, and it's hard being happy when I'm bored and spiraling into a pit of guilt.
Maybe I feel stressed because work is often incorporated into a person's core identity (for example, the question "what do you do?" and the various ways people answer it). Work can be something people take a lot of pride in. Especially in the States, being "busy" is seen as a high self-compliment, particularly when you can't make particular social events, or further develop friendships and relationships due to work. Bonus points for running yourself into the ground and becoming ill - some people see this as a great accomplishment, not having enough time to even take care of the physical body. "You have enough time to attend a birthday party, have coffee with friends, or sleep for 8 hours a night? You must not be working hard enough, if you have the time to take part in such frivolous activity!" There's even a debate over the occupation of "SAHP" - the stay at home parent - due to the strange assumption that these always-on-call mothers and fathers just sit on the couch playing peek-a-boo with their offspring. I mean, really. I can barely take care of a child for five minutes, I can't imagine doing it all day.
It seems like Australia views work in a very different light than many in the US do. Speaking of parenting, mothers here can take up to a year in maternity leave, which is seen as an essential for healthy child development. Vacations in general are also important. Aussies get up to a month of vacation every year, and many are "forced" to take Christmas week off. Ben's work contract even states that if he doesn't use any of his vacation days in two years, they will make him take one - because working without vacation is seen as unhealthy.
Anyway, don't get me wrong. I love painting, playing music, journaling, all that. But I like it better when I also have not-as-fun things to do, like create spreadsheets and answer telephones and foam milk for a "cappuccino." The world is full of a lot of things to do, but what I've come to learn over time is that balance is essential.
It's hard to live well if you do too much of one thing. Eat, sleep, drink, work, and yes - even relax. Too much relaxing time stops becoming fun after a while, because there's nothing to compare it to. In my experience, vacations are enjoyed the most when they're well-earned. Free time is best when it's a reward for accomplishing things during not-free time. It's hard to appreciate light without darkness, heat without cold, silence without noise, play without work.
I will end this with a small disclaimer: these are my experiences and opinions about my own personal work life. I don't mean to upset those who take pride in working all the time, or not working at all - there's a great spectrum of how to live and where priorities lie. If you decide how to spend your time and it truly suits you, that's awesome. Because everyone's balance is different.
I'm still trying to find mine.
CK
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